‘Tis the season for families to come together. That brings a smile to some peoples’ faces. But if the mere thought of getting together with your family fills you with less-than-positive feelings, you’re not alone. About a third of polled Americans said they dread political discussions with family members during this time of year. Roughly one in five said having to attend holiday gatherings and host family caused them stress, too.
If that all sounds a lot like you, we want to help. Our team rounded up four tips that can help with managing family systems during this time of year.
#1: Manage your expectations
Managing family systems starts with managing what you can control: yourself.
Sure, it would be great if those challenging family members had grown or changed perspectives in the last year. But there’s no guarantee.
It might not be an overly pleasant exercise, but think back to how previous family gatherings have gone. Reminding yourself of what’s “normal” for your family can save you from feeling surprised when people behave the way they usually do — even if it flies in the face of what you wish would happen. Adjusting our expectations to something more realistic allows us to protect ourselves from potential disappointment.
#2: Find common ground
Before you head to the family gathering, think of at least three topics you know you and the people there can agree on. Having something to talk about can make managing family systems and all of the dynamics that arise a lot easier. And if anything else, giving yourself some time to prepare can help you feel a bit less anxious going into the event.
Your prepared conversation topics could be something like:
- How much your nieces and nephews have grown
- A sports team you know they love
- Upcoming travel plans
- Everyone’s new year’s resolutions
You might also develop some information that feels safe for you to share, like a new hobby you picked up or a new show you’ve watched that you know won’t rankle the group.
It might also be helpful to plan activities to fill the time. You could bring in supplies for a craft everyone can do together, for example, or pull out a favorite family board or card game.
#3: Give yourself an out
As you navigate managing family systems, it’s important to have a game plan for removing yourself from the situation if things escalate. Again, creating a sense of preparedness can allow you to feel less anxious and more supported.
You might tell your family members that you can come by for a couple of hours, but you have a hard out due to another commitment at a certain time. Or you might have an excuse in mind for when you’re ready to leave (e.g., “I have to go home and let the dog out,”).
This way, you get two benefits. First, you have an escape cord you can pull if things get difficult and you need to protect yourself. Secondly, you go into the experience knowing that it’s temporary, which can help it feel more manageable.
#4: Set your boundaries — and stick to them
When we had you think back to past family gatherings, what bothered you? Is it a specific person, a specific conversation topic, or something else?
Get clear on what makes you feel bad when you’re with your family. Then, figure out what you need to do to protect yourself.
If, for example, you’re really bothered whenever your family asks why you haven’t had kids yet, come up with something you can say. Rehearse it several times so you feel ready to firm up that boundary if you need to.
And remember, as you’re managing family systems, it’s okay to walk away. You can prepare a line like: “I don’t want to discuss that. I’m going to go get some water.” You deserve to have a safe, healthy holiday season. Doing so might mean shutting down certain conversations, and that’s okay. In fact, setting those boundaries this year might help your family better interact with you at future gatherings.
All of this — from managing your expectations to maintaining your boundaries — is easier said than done. But our team can help you develop tools to help. If you want to talk to a therapist to get resources and guidance that make managing family systems easier this holiday season, let’s connect. Contact our team at the Ventura Counseling & Wellness Center in Ventura or the West Valley Counseling Center in Tarzana.
