Boundaries can take a lot of different forms. You might set physical boundaries if you don’t like being touched, or you might enforce emotional ones that limit how much you share with a person before you trust them. 

Boundaries, in any form, play a crucial role in influencing your life’s satisfaction. Ultimately, they’re our tools that teach others who we are. Boundary-crossing, or the lack of boundary setting, can often lead to stress, resentment, and conflict. While it isn’t easy, setting and maintaining your boundaries can help you have better relationships while protecting yourself. 

If you know you struggle with boundary setting, we have a few tips that may help. 

#1: Start small

Setting limits with people whose opinions you care about may feel really intimidating — we understand! It may take a minute to feel a sense of confidence in your ability to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. That’s why we suggest starting small.

Think about this: Where and with whom do you feel the most comfortable saying “no, thank you”? How come? Start with reflection and getting to know more about your relationship with your own boundaries. 

Then, once you start to expose yourself to the concept of boundary setting, try practicing it more and more with these people with whom you feel the most comfortable. Maybe it feels easier for you to set the boundary over text, or maybe a phone call. Exercise and practice the skill using whichever approach allows you to feel the most confident.

Obviously, if someone makes a request when you’re together, this tip won’t help you out. But when you feel your boundaries pushed and you can respond before you see that person next, lean into the opportunity. 

You can also work on boundaries that don’t affect other people to help you build this skill. If you want to spend less time on your phone before bed, for example, set a boundary to put it away by a certain time. Holding that boundary firm with yourself gives you a chance to exercise your boundary-setting muscle — and learn how good it feels to do so. 

#2: Remember why you set the boundary

If you know your boundary might get pushed, prepare yourself. 

Let’s say you have a meeting with a manager who always makes last-minute requests or you’re about to get coffee with a friend who often brings up people who are challenging for you. Before you head into that interaction, spend some time thinking about what a healthy boundary would look like for you. Most importantly, figure out why that boundary would help you. 

Having that clarity in your mind can be good motivation as you’re working on boundary setting. Plus, if you get pushback, it helps you articulate your boundary. Let’s say that friend says they don’t understand why it’s hard for you to hear about certain people. You’ll be ready to explain how it affects you. And you can tell them how they can support you by steering clear of those conversation topics. 

#3: Practice speaking up when a boundary is crossed

Setting a boundary is one thing. Enforcing it is another. It’s often uncomfortable — but so is having the boundary ignored. And one behavior (boundary setting) builds the kind of life you want, while the other lets someone walk over you and creates a situation that isn’t ideal for you. 

When you feel a line get crossed, take a moment. Your body will often clue you in here, with tightness in your chest or a fast heartbeat. Take a deep breath. Then, if you feel safe with the person who crossed your boundary, say something. 

It’s best to be gentle but direct here. You can say something like, “When you said/did X, it made me feel X.” You might also let them know why this boundary is important to you. 

This is easier with people with whom you feel close and comfortable. So if an opportunity arises there, take it. As you get the hang of speaking up and advocating for yourself, it gets easier to do so with others, like bosses or even strangers. Try to remember: someone’s boundary crossing may say more about them than it does about you and your limits. 

Boundary setting is far from easy, but it’s a key way to practice self-care. It also tells the people in your life what you need (and don’t), helping you build healthier, more genuine relationships. 

If you want help firming up your boundaries — or even deciding where they should be — talking with a therapist can make a big difference. To get started, contact us at the Ventura Counseling & Wellness Center in Ventura or the West Valley Counseling Center in Tarzana.