Anger can be a useful tool. It alerts us that a boundary has been crossed and it motivates us to stick up for ourselves or others. But just like any tool, we need to know how to wield it — and to ensure it doesn’t end up controlling us. If you often feel angry and your anger feels out of control, anger management tips can make a big difference.
And we’re here to help. Our team of therapists has extensive experience in helping people navigate their anger. In addition to these anger management suggestions, we can work with you one-on-one to develop tools that help you get that feeling under control.
Know what anger feels like
Managing your anger starts with identifying it. What does anger feel like in your body? A lot of people report that feeling angry causes physical symptoms like:
- An upset stomach
- A flushed face
- A racing heart
- Tightness in the chest
- Shaking, especially in the hands
- A rise in body temperature
- Headaches
- Tension in the neck, shoulders, and/or jaw
- Chronic fatigue
This all happens because anger impacts your brain, in turn affecting your body. When you feel angry, it activates parts of your brain that release stress hormones. That’s why anger and stress can feel so similar.
Anger management starts with identifying your anger. So start paying attention to the way you feel when you get mad.
Monitor your initial response
What usually happens when you feel angry? If you often launch into an aggressive response, it’s time to work on reducing your reactive response. Instead of immediately launching into action (including speaking), take a pause.
Many people who go through anger management therapy report that it helps to take three deep breaths or count to 10. Name the anger. Identifying our emotions by their name helps to activate the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of our brain we use to make logical decisions and that activates a relaxation response. Next, you might try to picture a place that’s relaxing to you, like the beach, or repeat a calming phrase to yourself.
Building in a break before you respond can save you from doing or saying something you’ll regret. During this pause, maybe it would help to incorporate mindfulness. Use your five senses to notice other things around you. Maybe you focus on the leaves on a tree or the feeling of your clothing.
Learn how to express anger in a healthy way
Successful anger management doesn’t mean suppressing this emotion. Expressing your anger is healthy — but you need to find the right avenues for expression.
If you can calm yourself by taking a pause, you can start by explaining to the other person what is making you feel angry. Be careful not to place the blame directly at their feet. Instead, take ownership of the way you’re feeling. Starting with “I feel…” rather than “You did…” can make your conversation more effective.
Sometimes, it’s best to wait to express your anger. If you’re feeling particularly irate, you might want to walk away from the situation. You can even tell the other person that you need a little time to process but you’d like to talk more about this later.
In other cases, expressing your anger to another person doesn’t lead to a positive outcome. The other person might not be ready to receive what you’re telling them, or they may be unwilling to change. In these instances, it helps to find another outlet for your anger. Physical activity, relaxation techniques, and therapy can all help here.
If you’re ready to sit down with a therapist to learn to identify your anger, develop tools that prevent you from reacting right away, and find healthy channels for expressing anger, we’re here. Make an appointment with us at the Ventura Counseling & Wellness Center in Ventura or the West Valley Counseling Center in Tarzana.
