Last summer, we talked about how friends are our chosen family, bringing support when and where we need it. But we also acknowledged that friendships can come with challenges. Any relationship can come with choppy waters. So now, we’re back to talk about how to navigate conflicts between friends. 

When we disagree or are in conflict with someone we love, our attachment wounds may become activated. We might find ourselves in a hurry to make peace or willing to bypass our feelings for the sake of not being rejected or left. We may self-abandon in order to avoid perceived abandonment. 

Or we may push our loved one away at the first sign of distress. We might even tell ourselves something along the lines of “we can’t trust or rely on anyone but ourselves.” There are, of course, varied responses to relational discord. The question is, what can we do about it? 

Here are 5 tips that help support you during conflict: 

1. Pause before reacting

In the moment we find ourselves triggered in a disagreement with a friend or someone we care for, we might have the urge to react with defensiveness or withdrawal. A moment of pause can make all the difference. 

We might communicate and let our friend/loved one know we are going to take a moment and even communicate how long we will be. For example, “I‘m feeling overwhelmed and am going to take a 10-minute break from this conversation. I want to come back and be more present to hear your perspective.” 

We can take this as an opportunity to regulate and calm our nervous system. If it feels comfortable, we might check in with our physiological response: how is my heart rate, how is my breathing, is it labored or short? Where might I notice tension in different parts of my body? Does it seem like my body is taking up more space or shrinking?

Grounding exercises, taking a walk, breathing exercises, counting, or journaling might offer some space between you and the impulse to react. 

2. Build awareness 

In working with a therapist, we might begin to learn if we are feeling our past trauma, abandonment, or rejection wounds being activated. As we bring awareness to this, we might be able to say to ourselves, “It seems like my inner child is coming out in this moment to protect herself from rejection. What might she need to hear from me to let her know that she is safe, special, chosen?” This process can naturally lead us to have compassion for ourselves. 

Awareness of what’s coming up for us, identifying, and naming our emotions brings us a step closer to communicating our needs with others. Awareness is the foundation of supporting ourselves. 

3.  Reacting vs. responding

If you have found yourself reacting in a conflict with defensiveness, blame, withdrawing, or shutting down, you’re not alone. It’s common for us to react rather than respond when we feel triggered. 

If you’re feeling like you might be gearing towards reacting, pause, notice your impulse to react. Ask, what is activating me right now? What am I feeling and where is it coming from? What’s my role in this? What do I need to do to take care of myself in this moment?

4. Setting the conversation up for success

Before you go back to your friend, think through what you’ll say. In conflicts between friends, those first words matter. 

Is what I would like to say in this moment timely? Is it the best place for my feelings to be seen and heard? Am I communicating more from an “I” (accountability) place rather than a “you” (blame) place? Am I expressing myself in a way that is offering respect for the other person? Are they respecting me? If not, what kind of boundaries can I place around this conversation?

5. Reframe 

Reframing is a helpful tool during conflict when we have thoughts that might feel polarized. For example, if we are using statements like “this always happens” or “you never…”, we might reframe this to “When ____ happened, I felt _____.”

Last but not least, having conversations with your therapist about expectations, needs, and any boundaries you’d like to set in your friendships and relationships can be extremely effective in helping us repair relational wounds. For that kind of support as you navigate conflicts between friends, get in touch.