Our teams at the West Valley Counseling Center and the Ventura Counseling & Wellness Center have the benefit of being led by Sharon Burnett, PhD. Dr. Burnett studied under and worked with Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who identified the five stages of grief in her book, On Death and Dying.
Because Dr. Burnett is preparing to lead our semiannual Life in Transitions Workshop, which focuses on developing resiliency in the face of loss, we thought it was a fitting time to do a deeper dive into these stages. Let’s look at the five stages of grief more closely.
Before we dive in, though, it’s important to remember when reading that these stages don’t need to happen linearly. Additionally, some won’t go through every stage. We can even oscillate back and forth between the various stages as we process grief and loss.
#1: Denial
When we first experience a loss, many of us struggle to acknowledge it. We might understand that we’ve lost something and even be able to verbalize it, but our internal world hasn’t yet adjusted to the drastic change in our lives. Many say that the stage of denial serves as a defense mechanism, protecting our minds and nervous system from needing to tolerate the pain associated with loss.
#2: Anger
Once we acknowledge that we’ve gone through a traumatic loss, anger often boils to the surface.
We can direct our anger any number of places. Some people feel angry with themselves for a perceived error or lack of action that led to the loss. Others blame someone else or a higher power. If you’re grieving the death of a loved one, you may even direct your anger toward the deceased. Many can experience anger surrounding unmet needs, or lack of opportunity to communicate one’s true feelings.
Your anger might occur at unexpected times, too. As you go through the grieving process, it’s not uncommon to find yourself suddenly overcome with frustration at something you may otherwise feel is minor — meaning this anger may be “displaced” as you journey through the complexities of processing loss.
#3: Bargaining
After a loss, many of us wish we could change things. You might try to negotiate with yourself, others, or a higher power in an attempt to soften or even undo the loss. This bargaining stage is a normal part of grieving as we grapple with the way our lives have changed. By bargaining, we attempt to ease some of the pain of the transition. It’s also a way in which many attempt to regain some sense of control of their inside world in an effort to change the past or future.
#4: Depression
Depression isn’t just feeling sad, although it can certainly manifest that way. Oftentimes, people dealing with depression lose interest in things they cared about before. You might feel a hollowness or numbness.
Depression can affect other aspects of your life, too. You might have trouble sleeping or sleep much more than is normal for you. You could feel fatigued or have difficulty concentrating.
Feelings of depression are normal when you’re grieving a loss, but they shouldn’t stick around forever. You should notice that you feel better with time. If that’s not happening — and especially if it’s been a year or more — you might have prolonged grief disorder. Talking with a therapist is key to help you develop a plan to manage your grief and restore a healthy balance to your life.
#5: Acceptance
In this final stage, we learn to accept what we’ve lost. Because we’ve moved past the other stages, we might be able to revisit treasured memories without causing ourselves an inordinate amount of pain. At this stage, we can move forward with our lives in a healthier way.
Getting to acceptance often requires a combination of time and self-work. While we can’t speed up the clock, we can equip you with tools to help as you attempt to gradually move through these five stages of grief.
If you want a deep dive into transitioning through, join us for the Life In Transition Workshop. Or if you want to talk to a therapist who you can work with on an ongoing basis, contact our team at the Ventura Counseling & Wellness Center in Ventura or the West Valley Counseling Center in Tarzana.
