You might have heard the old saying that’s been attributed to countless people, from the Buddha to Saint Augustine. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
If you’re struggling to forgive someone, we can’t offer you a quick fix. But we can help you navigate through your emotions. Ideally, this will help you release some of the resentment and process some of the unresolved anger you’re feeling. That way, you’re not carrying around this heavy burden day in and day out.
Take your time
We’ll say it up top: this is one of those things that usually takes time. You probably won’t wake up one morning and think, “Wow, I’m completely over that hurt.” But you might wake up and notice, “Wow, that hurts a little bit less because of the work I’ve been doing to heal it.” It’s important to set realistic expectations for your process. If something has really emotionally injured you, just like an injury on our body, it takes time to heal and recover.
Get clear on what hurts
Forgiveness starts by looking squarely at the wound. That’s painful, but it’s important. To truly move past something, you need to work through it.
Start by acknowledging what happened and how it made you feel. Get clear on what bothers you about the incident. If that person could apologize to you in a meaningful way, what would you want them to say? What do you want them to know?
This can be helpful because when you’re angry, it’s easy to pile up grievances. You might add little unrelated annoyances to the heap, fueling the fire of your anger. Getting clear on what upset you helps you separate those things out, really focusing on the core issue — and the area where you need to find peace.
This is where you may need some support. Doing this process with yourself can lead to more anxiety if we try doing it all in our head. If you aren’t ready for someone else to hear your pain, try journaling the answers to your questions.
Work toward empathy
Then, you can work toward forgiving that person.
To do that, it might be helpful to put yourself in their shoes. Can you see what might have motivated them to act the way they did? Maybe you know about an unresolved childhood trauma for that person or a major current life stress.
You’re not excusing the other person’s behavior with this exercise. Instead, you’re trying to humanize them. We often act out of our own hurts, and there’s a high likelihood that’s exactly what happened when the person hurt you. Doing this can help you to prepare yourself for a potential discussion, if this is an option, as it helps to lower the intensity of your emotion to prepare for a more productive conversation.
Figure out what forgiveness means to you
It might mean feeling complete closure about the incident and healing the relationship with the person who hurt you. Or it might mean letting it be enough and setting a boundary so that it’s not always on your mind.
Really, your own definition of forgiveness should center around what feels healthiest for you. What would it look like for you to not feel burdened by these emotions? That’s what forgiveness means for you.
Do it for yourself
You never need to reach a point where you feel like the person deserves your forgiveness. Quite frankly, they might not.
You don’t work toward forgiveness to ease the other person’s guilt. In fact, you technically never need to tell them that you forgive them. Instead, you do this work to release yourself from the burden or your anger or resentment. This work isn’t easy, but it’s a gift you’re giving yourself.
Forgiving someone and moving past an incident is often far from easy. As we mentioned up top, it takes time. And sometimes, it might require some extra help. That’s where we come in. A therapist can help you navigate your emotions and build tools to help you release yourself from anger or resentment. To talk with someone, contact our team at the Ventura Counseling & Wellness Center in Ventura or the West Valley Counseling Center in Tarzana.
