When we’re approaching a big move, people usually assume we’re excited. And, yes, there’s probably a thrilling element as we head into a new season. But making a significant move can also come with a sense of loss about what we’re leaving behind. In fact, it’s common for moving and grief to go hand in hand, especially when we’re making big changes like moving out of the state, out of the country, or in with a partner for the first time.
Let’s be clear: you’re not “supposed” to feel any one way about your move. You might even feel conflicting emotions, like excitement about what’s ahead or sadness about what you’re leaving behind. Moving can be a huge life shift and even identity-forming. If we attempt to skip over processing our grief, we may be short-changing ourselves in the process.
Identifying moving-related grief
How do you know if moving and grief are playing a role for you? Give yourself permission to pause. A move is usually a busy, hectic time and it’s easy to want to tamp down emotions to get through. But taking care of yourself is the most important work you can do to set yourself up for success during your move.
So, take that pause. Within it, notice how you feel. You might see that a part of you feels sad or angry or disconnected, just as a part of you feels excited, curious, or joyful. It’s common to feel distressed, tired, or even helpless.
Within your pause, you might sense that you’re shedding a layer or version of yourself. You might even be ready to let that layer go, but still feel a sense of mourning about that loss. Mixed emotions are a normal part of moving and grief commonly plays a role.
It’s okay to grieve the parts of your life that you’re leaving behind. Maybe it was a favorite park or proximity to a close friend or family member. Perhaps it was a coffee shop that made your drink of choice just right or a yoga studio where you felt encouraged and empowered. Moving might make you feel like you’re losing access to support networks, communities, or places that feel like home.
We don’t say all of this to dredge up challenging emotions. Instead, we want to acknowledge that you’re not alone in what you feel.
What to do with what you’re feeling
Release yourself from the obligation that there is something to “do” or “fix” about the emotions you’re identifying. Simply hold the space for yourself. Notice what you’re feeling. This is enough. This is self-care. This process will also make it easier to get in touch with ourselves and pinpoint our needs.
As we’re taking a pause to check in, we might have some scary realizations about what we’re leaving behind. We might feel lonely or sad. It’s okay to let this sadness in. It’s okay to sit with this and let it pass when it’s ready to pass. We can be both excited and uncertain, joyful and hurting, ready for a change and not ready to leave certain aspects of our life behind. We are strong enough to hold these dualities in the same hand, and hold on to ourselves at the same time.
Tips to support yourself when dealing with moving and grief
When you’re in the process of a big move, these tools can help you take care of yourself:
- Avoid unrealistic timelines or holding yourself to rigid standards. It’s okay if it takes you weeks or months to get fully unpacked.
- Develop a support system that can move with you. Stay in touch with your friends and family and consider putting plans on the calendar, whether that’s a bi-weekly call to catch up or a trip back to see everyone in a couple of months.
- Create a grounding routine that makes you feel supported. That could be journaling every morning, going for a daily walk to explore your new neighborhood, or an evening yoga practice.
- Offer yourself the gift of additional compassion during your move. Remember that you’ve never been here before and you’re not supposed to get it “right” the first time or have all the answers. It’s normal to question our decisions and that’s often a big part of the uncertainty that comes with being at a new time in our lives. Take some deep breaths and remember that you can figure it out a day at a time.
- Don’t feel like you need to give up your old self. Rather than seeing our old selves and our new selves as separate, perhaps we see them as intertwined — or even needed to create on another. Our old self believed in the dream of growing into our new self. A life change — and maybe even a leap of faith — was required to begin this path for ourselves. And our new self would only be possible with the challenges that our old self overcame.
- Recreate what you loved. Here’s your gentle reminder that although we may not be able to have our exact same routine, we can recreate some of our experiences in our new environment. For example, let’s say we had a yoga class we used to go to on Saturday mornings. Perhaps, instead of finding the “perfect” spot in our new location, we do yoga for a few minutes at home on Saturday mornings until we find the studio that works for us.
If you’re moving and grief is playing a role, you don’t have to navigate the season alone. To talk through what you’re feeling with a compassionate ear and to develop more tools to help you in this season of transition, we’re here. Contact our team at the Ventura Counseling & Wellness Center.
