Most of us have people we want to please in our lives. It could be a parent or partner. And in some cases, it can be healthy to prioritize someone you love. But if you put other’s preferences in front of your own wants and needs on a consistent basis, you may be feeling some resentment. Eventually, this habit will catch up to you and make it harder for you to find fulfillment in your own relationships.
If you’re a people pleaser, you feel an urgent need to make other people happy — even if doing so comes at your own expense. Continually prioritizing others over yourself can lead to burnout while also reinforcing that you need external validation. Plus, your desire to please others might lead to you inauthentically going along with their preferences. This weakens your relationships and makes you feel like no one sees you as important as you see them. And that gets tricky to untangle.
Perpetual people pleasers often get taken advantage of, too.
If you have a tendency toward this behavior, you may need to learn some boundary-setting and self-care techniques.
Signs you’re a people pleaser
Here are a few indicators that you often act as a people pleaser:
- You feel responsibility for other people’s emotions
- You say sorry a lot (even when it’s not necessary)
- You feel like you always have to agree
- You rarely say no
- You would rather compromise internally than have someone be angry with or disappointed in you
- Your schedule is fuller than you want it to be
- Someone else being displeased with you makes you extremely uncomfortable
- You rely on the praise of others to validate yourself
- You rarely tell people when you’re upset
- You actively avoid conflict
- You rarely voice your opinion
- You tell “white lies” to protect other peoples’ feelings
Most people will feel some of these things, especially toward someone they deeply care about. But if you feel an emotional responsibility to keep everyone who crosses your path happy, you could probably use better balance in your life.
Why people pleasing is problematic
People pleasing often stems from a low self-worth. You might think that making other people happy validates your existence and will help them like you more. It may, but usually temporarily.
If you make decisions to people please, you lose out on the opportunity to show up as your genuine self with your own desires and preferences. The relationships you build won’t be as deep or meaningful because you’re not giving that person the opportunity to know the real you and what you really think and feel.
Plus, always putting others first means ignoring your own wants and needs. A people pleaser often experiences fatigue and a sense of overwhelm.
Ultimately, if you have a tendency toward people-pleasing behaviors, employing some techniques to firm up your personal boundaries can go a long way. They can help you protect yourself, be more authentic, and avoid getting taken advantage of.
How to stop people pleasing
If you want to go out of your way to do something kind for someone else, that’s awesome. But if you do this so often that you don’t take care of yourself, it’s time to make a change.
Start by spending some time thinking about who you are as a person. What’s important to you? What makes you feel happy? Where are your limits when it comes to social experiences?
Do your best to remove other people from the equation here. Yes, family might be very important to you or you might place a high emphasis on giving back. But in a vacuum, separated from others, what makes you you? If you’re struggling here, trying some self-esteem building exercises might help.
Meditate on what you discover on a regular basis. Affirming your own self-worth and your own value set makes it harder to put those things aside to please others.
Also, start exercising your opinion muscle. When you feel safe, speak up about something you like. It could be as simple as sharing a movie or a song you enjoy with a friend. It may feel awkward at first, but you deserve to be able to share your preferences with the people around you.
At the same time, work on setting healthy boundaries for yourself. Boundaries communicate to others how we want to be treated. That often means saying no to things, and that’s usually very hard at first. So instead of giving an answer right away, start by telling people you need to think about any request that’s asked of you.
To help you more here, our next blog will focus on boundary setting tips and tactics, so stay tuned.
In the meantime, though, you can always reach out to our team. If you want help overcoming people-pleasing tendencies and building habits that help you take care of yourself, get in touch with us at the Ventura Counseling & Wellness Center in Ventura or the West Valley Counseling Center in Tarzana.
