In theory, the holiday season is a time for joyful gatherings with people you love. In practice, however, most of us have experienced a family fête gone wrong or a sour seasonal social. How do we take a page from Ebenezer Scrooge’s book and learn from our past mistakes? It’s more simple than you might think, actually. We can avoid holiday heartbreak or burnout by planning now and setting some holiday boundaries.
Now, this is easier said than done. Sure, you’d love to protect your loved ones and yourself from the stress of the season. But you can’t really say no to family, can you? We would argue that you can – provided you approach it in the right way. Here are three tips for setting holiday boundaries and respecting the boundaries of the people in your life.
Learn to say no.
Suprise! One of the best tools in your boundary-setting arsenal is a two-letter word. Saying no is far from easy, especially when familial guilt comes into play. So start small and ease yourself in. If you start saying no now, before the real busyness kicks in, you can get yourself accustomed to turning things down. And you’ll get better at graciously doing it.
That last bit is key. When invited to a friend’s holiday party, there’s a very big difference between a flat “no” and, “Thank you so much for the invitation! I’m so honored you thought of me. But I’ve got my family’s annual gift exchange later that week and I really need the time to prepare.” Keep a calendar, preferably on your phone where you can always access it, so that you can always check before committing to or turning down an engagement. Seeing your December full of events will make you feel much more legitimized in declining invitations.
Learning to say no isn’t just for RSVPing, either. Get comfortable saying no to conversations in which you don’t want to engage. If you’ve got a challenging family member who will inevitably bring up conversation topics you don’t want to discuss, prep a short speech for yourself. Say something like, “I understand this topic is interesting/important to you, Uncle Richard, but I’d prefer not to discuss it during the holidays. Thank you so much for understanding!” Then, have a running mental list of new topics you can discuss, like your cousin’s baby, their favorite sports team, or a shared, cherished holiday tradition. Being ready to draw clear lines helps everyone respect each other’s holiday boundaries with minimal conflict.
Gift yourself.
They say it’s better to give than receive. And it’s true! But as you’re passing out gifts, especially the gift of your time, don’t forget to give to yourself. Feeling burnt out or overwhelmed? Give yourself the gift of an off day. Remember that calendar we talked about earlier? Go into it and block off a whole day. A big “BUSY” full-day event will do. Bam! You just guaranteed you’re able to catch your breath and set holiday boundaries that defend your mental health. And if someone asks you to do something that day, you can check your calendar and say, “Thank you for the invite, but I’m actually busy that entire day.”
During December, it’s easy to get into auto-pilot and just power through. Don’t. The resulting mental exhaustion can take significant time to get past. Taking care of yourself isn’t just a gift to yourself, it’s a gift to your loved ones, too. No one wants a shell of a partner/parent/friend/sibling come January. Taking time to recharge and practice self-care will make you that much more personable and engaged at the events you do attend this month.
Stay focused.
This is supposed to be a fun, festive, meaningful time of year. Do you find yourself dreading it? Do you notice your partner, kids, or friends seem tired or frazzled? Much of the country loses sight of the point of the holidays – to spend time and create memories with loved ones – but you don’t have to join them.
Take fifteen minutes today to create a list of things you love about the holidays. (This is a fun activity with kids.) It could be putting up a pretty tree, baking cookies, creating a catchy holiday playlist, or spending extra time on your couch watching seasonal movies in your flannel PJs. What makes this season special for you? Now, with your list in hand, make it a point to do every single thing on it. Yes, it will mean saying no to other things (remember the power of no!). Creating holiday boundaries isn’t just about keeping things out, though. It’s about protecting the parts of the season that are special to you and bring you joy. After all, if you miss out on those, what’s the point?
If you’re feeling overwhelmed this holiday season or are dreading upcoming events, we’re here to talk. The dedicated staff at Ventura Counseling & Wellness Center is available to help you through the holiday season and beyond! Let us help equip you with the tools you need to enjoy this special time of year. Call, email, or text us today.
