When someone you care about experiences a major loss, it can be challenging to know exactly how to support them. You may find yourself caught up in some of your own inner contraindications – causing you to freeze with how to approach them in the most helpful way. Ultimately, supporting a loved one through grief isn’t easy.
It is important to remember that every situation can be different and each individual grieves in their own way. That said, we want to offer you some guidance so you don’t feel like you have to enter blindly. We’ve gathered some suggestions from bereavement experts that can help. Here are a few approaches to use when you’re supporting a loved one through grief.
#1: Be there however you can
If you can physically show up for that person, that’s ideal. That could mean making the trip in for the services or dropping by their house with a meal.
If you can’t be there in person, look for other ways to be there however you can. You could send flowers and a card, for example, or schedule a video call with the person. If you know friends or family in the area, you might also reach out to them to see if they already plan to help in a way that you can also contribute from afar. Any way that you can find to thoughtfully, meaningfully communicate your presence to your loved one can be valuable.
#2: Ask what you can do
At first, the grieving person might not know what they need – and that’s okay. Try gently asking over the weeks that follow.
Keep an eye out for opportunities, too. If they tell you that they’re so overwhelmed with service planning, you might offer to help with some of the logistics. Or if they share that their house feels like a disaster and you live in the area, you might offer to come do a couple of hours of chores for them.
Grief often feels overwhelming. By offering to help, you’re letting that person know that they’re not in it alone — and that people care about helping them get through.
#3: Don’t try to fix it
Sitting with someone in their grief can be uncomfortable. You want so badly to help them, but you might not be sure how to do anything productive.
That’s okay. Supporting a loved one through grief doesn’t mean finding a solution or a way to patch their hurting heart. Because at the end of the day, a solution doesn’t exist. It just means being present and holding the space they need. People grieve differently and on different timelines. Your “job” isn’t to help them move forward faster. Resist the temptation to offer advice or tell them that things happen for a reason. Instead, your job is simply to be there for the person however they need or want.
#4: Stay involved
Immediately after a loss, people usually come together. Show up however you can in those early days, of course. But don’t stop just because time passes. As supporters thin out, your role in supporting a loved one through grief gets bigger. Keep checking in on that person in the weeks and months that follow. You might even put reminders on your calendar so you consistently stay in touch.
If the bereavement continues to hang heavily over the person for months, you might see if they’re open to talking to a grief counselor. If you want to help them get in touch with someone who can help them navigate their own grieving journey, you can contact our team at the Ventura Counseling & Wellness Center in Ventura or the West Valley Counseling Center in Tarzana.
